Sunsets Alone // An overflowing ❤

March 15th, 2018 - Sunset Alone 

Last night I stood gazing up through the palm leaves, mesmerized by the stars in the sky. Tears streaming down my cheeks - a heart overflowing with gratefulness and joy. A small but deep ache in my chest— bittersweet emotions of leaving Maui. 

Earlier the sun was setting behind a plump white cloud- gold beams reaching high towards heaven. Sweet honus (turtles) were swimming right in front of me. 

I have felt constant provision from God during our entire time here on Maui. Like being held as tiny humans-  safe in the omnipresent warmth of God's big hands. 

“In His hand is the life of every creature & the breath of all mankind” 

Friendships, growth, joy, love, peace, contentment, change, and a sense of adventure… just to name a few provisions.  

I’m thankful to hear the laugh of a child, playing with his father.
I’m thankful for a cool evening breeze, after a hot day in the sun.

I'm thankful for cotton-candy clouds, floating above the great blue ocean; for the comforting tall palms - their leaves rustling in the wind. 

I love the warm & salty water-  the buoyancy when I go swimming— lying on my back,  the waves rolling, holding me up.

I love the silence around me, when my ears dip below the water’s surface. 

Sweet Aaron is back home in Seattle. It’s been a few days. He got a promotion at the water taxi in Seattle, and he had to go back early for training.  I’ve been here in Kihei enjoying the comfort of our garden ohana, and riding my bike all around. 

Today is my first day off work in awhile- I woke up, made coffee, listened to the birds and biked to the beach for a day of full relaxation. 

I felt angst since the end of February, knowing Aar would have to go home early (earlier than we thought or wanted). I long to be with him always, but I didn’t feel ready to come home yet either. 

My heart felt I needed to stay back for a little while. Enjoy our tiny home we’ve made, finish out my job as I promised I would, and soak all of Maui in... say goodbye the way I have to. 

* * * 

March 16, 2018 - 6:30pm

Is it Friday? 

These past four months I haven’t cared about the day of the week. I know what days I have to work, but other than that- Monday makes no difference to Friday. 

Until now.

Of course, I am paying attention now.
It was Sari’s birthday on the 12th, and Aaron left to go back to Seattle that night. 

Our sweet friends Kika and Matus went back to Canada, and our other friends from the farm have moved on to another state, country, wherever.

When Aaron and I were first here on Maui, I felt scared to do anything alone. I mean, not REALLY, but like - on the farm, and even on my own in the rental car, I was timid to do my thing. To go out and talk to people. To say what I wanted or had planned. 

Obviously, when living at a place for months, you become comfortable and accustomed to roads, drivers, people, etc. 

But there is MORE to this than that. 

We sold our car (chaChing!), and I only have my bike, a small amount of clothes, and some little personal belongings. 

Aaron’s things are all gone and on my fifth night alone, I sit here comfortably… and contemplate when to make dinner. 

Being alone isn’t what scares me - now that I am here doing it. It’s the feeling beforehand. It’s the scary idea that I may get BORED and have to entertain myself! WOW! 

I mean, let’s cut to the chase here and get psychological - There is trauma (big word) when someone loses a loved one. DUH. Especially at a young—ish age.

 I was 21 when I lost my dad, and although I didn’t know it at the time…growing up, I was constantly afraid that I was going to lose him too. 

Aaron and my sister, family and close friends, have all been a comfort and sort of GLUE in my life ever since that happened. I didn’t leave Seattle when he was sick, and I almost couldn’t leave after he passed. I was stuck…. to my sweet and loving and nurturing glue.

It’s not about Leaving Seattle though - although this helped me immensely. It’s the fear behind being alone. Being uncomfortable in my own skin. 

FEAR OF…. _________.

….So I didn’t do anything about it. 

But here I am, ALONE, and yes - I have been alone in the past many times, but I guess there’s some emphasis on this time since I’m kinda without any friends, on the most secluded island in the world. 

There’s a reason people “escape” out here ya know….

But guess what? Everything is great. I am chilled out and so relaxed. 

I guess my point is - to myself and anyone who’s actually still reading (ha!) - is that being alone is good for us. 

I think someone like me, can easily get attached to others and that so easily becomes a distraction in my life. 

GOOD PEOPLE, PLACES and THINGS… can sometimes still be “distractions” that hold us back in our life.

 Does this make sense?

I don’t know the mysteries of God. But I believe as most all spiritual beings do that you reap what you sow. I’m constantly afraid of what God may take away and I am suspicious. 

But Lord God… I am thankful. 

The opportunity here was such a risk and adventure and God has provided. All we bought has been sold. Restored. Money we spent has been returned. I’ve been loved and befriended by so many here. 

Aloha is one of a kind. The spirit.  The people. It’s lit a fire within me. A little spark has turned to flame. 

Hawaii has awakened a spark in me that is burning and yearning to grow so big. 

It’s so hard leaving a perfect place. But I’m embracing every present moment.