Navigating Life

Joy and sorrow are so much a part of my life and the notion of being "balanced." Like a seesaw: Joy on one side and Sorrow on the other. "When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. They are inseparable. Only when you are empty are you at a standstill and balanced." In the present, I feel quite balanced, A rare occasion and one most fulfilling. Although, how scary it is to dip into either side... for it must always tip back & forth to reach it's equilibrium. Our whole lives we'll be tipping back and forth to find that standstill and peace. ---- I have come to accept each season's passing in my life. My heart in sorrow & my heart filled with joy. It's times like these when I'm truly thankful in this brief halt of satisfaction. I am hopeful and encouraged for i know some day I will conclude fully balanced. That day is far in the horizon, but I have begu...

Max, Gabber, Maxy, Gab, Maximillion, Mahee, Habbikuk. These are some of the names I called him. For 14 years, Gabber was in my life. Gabber's been in my life longer than he hasn't. More than HALF of my life I've had him. I remember when I was 7 years old....The Blue's gave me a ride home from school because Sari was "home sick" with my mom. And apparently, they decided to get a puppy. I remember following Sari's laugh into the backyard, my tummy filled from a Happy Meal. As I shoveled the last bit of fries down I spotted a small, black & white fluff-ball rolling around on the grass. Tiny little thing. His nose smashed in like a baby ewok. His tongue was too long so it stuck out a little. Awe, Love at first sight! Baby Max. He was born December 20th and every year I always remembered to celebrate. I'd buy him wet dog food because he never got to eat it. Wet food, with a candle on his birthday- that was his favorite. Gabber never bit anyone, and he o...

-------------I've been relating this story to my life lately... Whether in friendships, jobs, grades, dating.... opportunities in general----------------------------- My dad told me this funny riddle : There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily.. Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me." Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor. As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here." Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me." The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof. A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope,grab onto it, and I...

Gray waters are bordered by green & brown trees Flush with pine needles, & bare without leaves. The clouds shine bright with the sun afar I sit on this boat smoking my cigar. To bask in the ocean-that gray ripply abyss Trudging through the waves I have found my bliss. Yet ambivalence about childhood & adulthood abide The pulling of dependency, strength & pride. Life outside this seems so surreal Like I cannot live truly-I've lost all zeal. Happiness is forgery, for it's spirit I've forgot Paralyzed in abeyance, my heart in a knot. Lost in myself with nothing worthy to give Numbed from emotions, I've forgotten how to live. Yet my soul resides here- in the water ripples & clouds I am distant from concrete, noises, & crowds. Here is my solitude, reflection, and peace Ideals, anxiety, and stress have now ceased. Nature is robust, it's vigor radiates through And traces in the trees prove historic and true. Truth intervenes as this creation hits my...

To know you is hard. Such allure is a curse. Such little time, yet ideal and familiar. Cool blood runs through my veins. Struggling with each beat-Heavy thumps. Pressure in my chest as it pulses up and down. Can't shed another tear- my soul infected by too much fear. I want you so bad, but I'm too afraid to lose. I don't know what to do. My limbs are light, but my heart anchors me down. Fear and anxiety paralyze me now-joy in the present is a distant hope. Why must I fret over each moment's passing? Do you see me now? So much hiding-i've been trying so hard. I'm too scared. An enticement I can't deny. Your soul is my color, just my kind. Knowing you, but not having you, may always haunt me.

I remember last February seeing mom and dad together for the first time in about 10 years... Draining...my head even hurts. This was a good thing, but also so hard to endure. Then and now, i just feel worn, torn, and like my insides have been wrung completely dry- this twisting holds tight and won't release it's grip in my aching soul. It's like I'm just holding my breath.... i feel so dissatisfied- no, sort of the wrong word...i feel...unsettled. There is so much that is unknown- and will never BE known. Time is lost and passing and he is coming to an end. So much I don't know. So many thoughts, memories, and stories told to me-yet, they all seem surreal- like a novel. Although, that day...I saw my blood and genes...my true parents... manifested in-front of me. Speaking, communicating, and telling Sari and me how beautiful we are, how much we have our mother's eyes..... My heart hurts. My stomach still knotted thinking about how i know so little of myself with ...

My inspiration and creativity are absent from my cryptic brain... ... A blanker whiteness of benighted snow With no expression, nothing to express -Robert Frost -time is a tree (this life one leaf) but love is the sky and i am for you just so long and long enough -e.e. Cummings

I have come to bury Love Beneath a tree, In the forest tall and black Where none can see. I shall put no flowers at his head, Nor stone at his feet, For the mouth I loved so much Was bittersweet. I shall go no more to his grave, For the woods are cold. I shall gather as much of joy As my hands can hold. I shall stay all day in the sun Where the wide winds blow, -- But oh, I shall cry at night When none will know. Sarah Teasdale

According to a story by Aristophanes in Plato 's Symposium ... Humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. Painting by: Sari Jack

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, I have forgotten, and what arms have lain Under my head till morning; but the rain Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh Upon the glass and listen for reply, And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain For unremembered lads that not again Will turn to me at midnight with a cry. Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree, Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one, Yet knows its boughs more silent than before: I cannot say what loves have come and gone, I only know that summer sang in me A little while, that in me sings no more. - Edna St. Vincent Millay

You are my sanity, You are my peace, You are my joy, You feel my sorrow. You pour love into the depths of my soul. You are faithful, You are hope, You are almighty, You are grace. You pour joy into the depths of my soul. You are everything beautiful in nature, You are the sound of wind through the trees, You are the golden rays of sunshine beaming on my face, You are the nectar of fragrant flowers in bloom. You pour peace into the depths of my soul. You are the turquoise blue of lakes and oceans, You are snow capped mountains, and the crisp, clear skies. You are miles of green pastures. You pour patience into the depths of my soul. You are warm sand on my back, You are cool water on my toes, You are the sound of waves crashing on the beach, You are an astonishing sunset. You pour kindness into the depths of my soul. You are the dawn of a snowy morning, You are the thunder & lightening of a storm, You are the sound of rain, You are dusk on a warm summer night...

Lately my soul has been restless-I feel worthless and bored with my life. These feelings brought me back to something I wrote a while back- As I walked along Shilshole Marina I began to think of all those boats... What good is a ship while warming her harbor? With that longing to rise up and stretch her broad white sails upon the restless sea? Indeed, I am a ship of torn sails from my journeys through the mighty oceans. In the midst of torturous winds and rains, my heart has ripped like those sails. Yet, in the solitude of the placid and tumultuous sea, my past has shaped me; in the tossing cold currents, my heart heals as the waves soften to rhythmic tidal lyres. My father once told me “if a poem made me cry, I knew I had to memorize it.” His love of poetry, his artistic sensitivities, and his life’s challenging journey has inspired me and shaped me into who I am today. This is one of his favorite poems (and mine): “My life is cold, and dark, and dreary; / It rains, and the wind i...