Hang me up to Dry

I remember last February seeing mom and dad together for the first time in about 10 years...

Draining...my head even hurts. This was a good thing, but also so hard to endure. Then and now, i just feel worn, torn, and like my insides have been wrung completely dry- this twisting holds tight and won't release it's grip in my aching soul.

It's like I'm just holding my breath.... i feel so dissatisfied- no, sort of the wrong word...i feel...unsettled. There is so much that is unknown- and will never BE known. Time is lost and passing and he is coming to an end.

So much I don't know. So many thoughts, memories, and stories told to me-yet, they all seem surreal- like a novel.

Although, that day...I saw my blood and genes...my true parents... manifested in-front of me. Speaking, communicating, and telling Sari and me how beautiful we are, how much we have our mother's eyes.....

My heart hurts. My stomach still knotted thinking about how i know so little of myself with this family...

Standing there staring at them......That is....that was my family- Those split seconds- that one short hour of time.

Seeing us all together, experiencing tears, joy, and laughter- that was it. Those will be my final memories of my dad, mom, sister and me. I can barely remember the times before...

It boggles me- i feel I've lost so much- yet have gained SO much. I have my entire life...so many who love and care for me in my family.

I guess I'm at a loss for words now. Just tired eyes, swollen and a worn soul. So many thoughts fly in and out. I've never seen a man love so much. I've never seen a man so strong- never having complained, never guilt-tripping. Only loving.

I cannot discredit his strength because he is so sick. He is amazing. He loves me so much. He's the only man who ever makes me feel that i am enough.

I can only pray the Lord will reveal to him how much love I have in return...that if we meet in heaven- I pray that I can truly see & know his soul and mind. I pray we can communicate like any other father & daughter should be able to do...this gift has been taken from us.

I pray that we can live in the moment, love in the moment, feel in the moment....