Navigating Life

To know you is hard. Such allure is a curse. Such little time, yet ideal and familiar. Cool blood runs through my veins. Struggling with each beat-Heavy thumps. Pressure in my chest as it pulses up and down. Can't shed another tear- my soul infected by too much fear. I want you so bad, but I'm too afraid to lose. I don't know what to do. My limbs are light, but my heart anchors me down. Fear and anxiety paralyze me now-joy in the present is a distant hope. Why must I fret over each moment's passing? Do you see me now? So much hiding-i've been trying so hard. I'm too scared. An enticement I can't deny. Your soul is my color, just my kind. Knowing you, but not having you, may always haunt me.

I remember last February seeing mom and dad together for the first time in about 10 years... Draining...my head even hurts. This was a good thing, but also so hard to endure. Then and now, i just feel worn, torn, and like my insides have been wrung completely dry- this twisting holds tight and won't release it's grip in my aching soul. It's like I'm just holding my breath.... i feel so dissatisfied- no, sort of the wrong word...i feel...unsettled. There is so much that is unknown- and will never BE known. Time is lost and passing and he is coming to an end. So much I don't know. So many thoughts, memories, and stories told to me-yet, they all seem surreal- like a novel. Although, that day...I saw my blood and genes...my true parents... manifested in-front of me. Speaking, communicating, and telling Sari and me how beautiful we are, how much we have our mother's eyes..... My heart hurts. My stomach still knotted thinking about how i know so little of myself with ...